2019 A Year in Review: Year of Fear

January 8, 2020

Hey friends! I took a longer than intended pause last month. I didn’t wish you a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year, so I would first like to start off by saying I hope you had a very wonderful holiday season with your family!! We were sick most of the break and had some much needed (and required) R&R. Hope yours was filled with way less fevers and a whole lot of fun! Today I’m kicking off the new year by digging deep & getting raw with you as I reflect on the past year & share what my focus will be for 2020.

Getting real right from the start…

2019 was hard. Behind every picture you saw here or on IG was a woman falling apart on the inside. Reflecting back on 2019, which I have now respectively coined “the Year of Fear.” I was constantly living in fear – whether that was associated with Rohen’s seizures, the blog, my relationships, my health. I was operating and making decisions based on rational and irrational fears all day long. I created a habit of responding and operating from fear. It was extremely unhealthy mentally, physically, relationally, and emotionally. Looking back, I would say Rohen’s epilepsy diagnosis was the tipping point for me, I moved into a daily battle of unhealthy fear that controlled my life. I no longer was sleeping. I had unexplainable pains. I was exhausted before my feet hit the floor. At my worst moments, I would turn to Josh and say, I can’t keep living like this, I honestly don’t know if my body will be able to stay alive another year. Gah, how morbid. Clearly, my husband is a total trooper. I mean, what do you even say to that? He was so patient with me, trying to encourage me to take care of myself first. I just couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t accept it. Even though that is exactly what I needed to do…

I was falling apart and because I had never truly learned to work through the hard stuff life throws at you I tackled it by pushing it down, ignoring it, and covering it with the tricks and lies of perfectionism.

Needless to say, by the end of 2019 I finally realized I couldn’t keep going like this, all aspects of my life had started to unravel. For example, this blog, a project of love & passion, was completely zapped of all passion, joy, and creativity. I had reverted back to my main operation protocol: perfectionism. The thing with perfectionism is it steals your joy and creativity. So by December, I was running on fumes in real life and virtually. I was falling apart (literally) and because I had never truly learned to work through the hard stuff life throws at you I tackled it by pushing it down, ignoring it, and covering it with the tricks and lies of perfectionism. I can’t tell you how many times I started to write a post trying to explain where my head and heart was at this past year, but every time I left more defeated. I just couldn’t process and work through it. I wasn’t healthy enough to do it. It left me feeling fake and not authentic, the very last thing I wanted for this space I had poured my heart and soul into creating. So, I just stepped away. No explanation, because truthfully, I didn’t even have a fully thought out reason. I just knew it was time to take a break. I needed time to reflect and to heal. I didn’t wait for the new year to tell me I needed a change, I knew deep in my soul I needed a change. I’m so glad I didn’t wait.

Here are just a few things these past few weeks have taught me:

I never equipped myself to process and work through the hard stuff- I need to learn how to do this in a healthy way.
I need to ZEN the f-out. So, I went to yoga and I found out…
YOGA is my jam.
I have to make my health a priority. I got my DNA tested and woah!!! It has been so empowering and enlightening. I highly recommend it! I’ll do a whole post on our results and some lifestyle changes we have made that have already helped a ton! A few things I learned: I need to get outside every.single.day. I found out I have a vitamin D deficiency that has wreaked havoc on my body. And a HUGE bummer – I shouldn’t drink coffee (I really wish I wouldn’t have seen this one, but on a positive note my wallet is really liking all that Starbucks money I am saving)
Your skin shows you what is going on inside your body – listen!
It’s okay to take a break. And on that note, it’s also okay to prioritize yourself. In fact, for the sake of your relationships, you really should.

It’s with a fresh perspective I’m tackling 2020, not with a list of resolutions or goals but with a theme. My 2020 theme is balance and evolution.

I want to realize when it’s time to hand it over to God. Perfectionism tells me I can do it myself. I really want to evolve that way of thinking to ‘He can do it better than me.’

I’m going to strive to evolve my go-to thinking and approach (perfectionism) to a healthier, more balanced approach. Instead of looking at situations and immediately trying to analyze and fix it, I want to step back and breathe before making any decisions. I want to operate from a place of calm, not fear. I also want to realize when it’s time to hand it over to God. Perfectionism tells me I can do it myself. I really want to evolve that way of thinking to ‘He can do it better than me.’ I’m going to strive to find balance in motherhood, marriage, friendships, health, and work. I have an action plan for what some of those things may look like, but this will be a year of trial and error trying to figure out what that balance looks like for me. I will share my journey throughout the year with you and check in.

What this means for the blog: I’m going to start incorporating more aspects of my daily life. I love fashion but it isn’t my whole world and trying to create content that only revolves around that just ultimately felt inauthentic. So, this year I will definitely still be focusing on fashion, but I am going to incorporate more of motherhood, fitness, and health. I was so afraid that if I didn’t niche down I wouldn’t be able to grow my blog, but I now recognize that fear was dictating how I shared and created content and I am not letting that fear take over anymore! I’m coming back to the blog refreshed and genuinely excited to create again. I’m excited to create this year without fear as a factor. As crazy as it might sound, I honestly don’t know what that looks like, but I’m excited to find out!

I share all of this with you today, because I know we all have hard days, hard years, and hard seasons. I want you to know you are not alone and also that you don’t need a new year to take care of yourself. If you are standing in similar place as me, I’m hoping we’ll walk alongside each other this year. Encouraging one another in our successes and our struggles. Cheers to embracing the hard times as we evolve and find balance! Sending you all the love!